Royce Stubby
Dr. Robert Graves
EG 103
Feb. 24, 2010
Living in the Shadows
As Johnny Sat there staring at the emptiness on his computer screen trying to think of what to write next. He was an older man his age showing on his face as the light captured his silhouette. Johnny lived on the less than favorable side of town, in a trailer house that was as old as he was. The cold and snow left a picturesque image as he looked out the window bringing back memories of his youth. He had always dreamed of being a writer as long as he could remember. He spent many nights alone in his room, as a kid, reading novels and true life stories. He loved the imagery of the true stories and the way the narration could make you a part of the story, and the people’s life as if you were there first hand.
As a young kid, going to a small elementary school on the east side of town, Johnny would sit and daydream out the windows most of the day. His teachers often commented on the time he spent staring out the window, oblivious to the lessons the teacher was trying to give. On the really sunshiny days, Johnny would stare out almost the entire day. He would watch as the cars drove by on the busy street outside the window, with all the people just carrying on about their normal everyday lives. He would see the different drivers and the kinds of cars they had, and make up stories in his head about where they were heading and what kind of life they lived.
Coming from a dysfunctional family himself, Johnny could only imagine the lives these people had as they drove by. Johnny was the youngest of three children, a boy and girl 5 and 6 years older than him, while being raised by a single working mother. His mom, working the nightshift, often didn’t get to spend much time with him. Mostly being raised by babysitters, Johnny never had many adult role models. His mother, being an alcoholic, liked to spend her weekends off at the bar hanging out with her friends. Often times, she took Johnny with her since she could not afford a babysitter on the weekends. Growing up in the bar scene, he began to notice many different types of personalities: The old and miserable that sit at the bar waiting for their life to end, talking about how great they were in their youth, and the younger crowd playing pool, and teasing each other, believing the world was theirs for the taking.
Along with alcoholism, violence and abuse tend to follow. Many times when people drink, they let out emotions that are not normal feelings, rather it gives them confidence to be someone they’re not, or just makes them carefree and allows them to cut loose. Many people that have anger issues tend to be more violent when they intoxicated. Growing up around this kind of lifestyle, Johnny often looked for avenues of escape, knowing that this just wasn’t the way life was supposed to be. Early into his adolescence, as early as the grade school years, he began experimenting with drugs. Johnny often escaped this world, trapped in his room writing about the life he dreamed he should have. He would write short stories and little poems trying to emulate his idols and dreaming of the day he could physically escape this world of misery, suffering, and pain.
Johnny’s brother and sister, in their teens by this time and having their own issues, helped him to escape from reality. Often times with the age difference, Johnny was just a tag a long, never quite fitting in with their friends. Many times for entertainment and laughs, they would feed him alcohol and drugs. So many times when there was trouble at home he would run away. With
nowhere to go, he would walk the streets with no destination in mind, other than to escape the world in which he was thrown. Johnny remembers back to these times, remembering the weather often being cold as he ran from his reality. Walking along these streets feeling ominous to his surroundings, feeling as though no one ever knew he existed. Johnny would walk along just looking at the houses looking at the houses, shivering from the cold and imagining what it would be like in the houses he walked by, always looking so warm and comforting. Johnny would imagine the father and mother inside with their children, maybe cooking dinner and talking about their day, or sitting in front of their warm fireplaces playing games and laughing and sharing their unconditional love for one and another.
By the time Johnny had reached his teens, his addictions were at an all time high, having experimented with almost every drug. His life was spiraling out of control, unbeknownst to him. He no longer wrote the short stories and poems, for now he was living one and not knowing it. With his emotions completely numb by this time, Johnny was living a life with no foundation and nothing to call his own. Being drug induced, he always wore a painted smile and a false sense of happiness, hiding the emptiness he felt inside. Just like the blank computer screen in front of him. With several run-ins with the law, starting from adolescence, still no one seemed to care enough to see what the underlying problem was. Counselors only seemed to point out the faults instead of telling how to correct them, and the judicial system only wanted to lock him away.
As Johnny became an adult and realized this lifestyle was a dead end road, he began to try to better himself. Not ever knowing what a healthy relationship was, he had failed many times. Trying to accomplish this dream of a normal one, or what he thought to be normal, he went thru several failed relationships. Often times someone that has lived a dysfunctional life tends to end up with someone just as dysfunctional, therefore creating problems, with neither knowing what a healthy relationship can or would be. As Johnny reached early adulthood, he knew he had to make some changes. Though as early adults, we only know how to live the life we have learned and deemed acceptable. As the years would prove very challenging, he still tried, meanwhile keeping a positive attitude and thinking someday his dreams would come true.
Johnny lived many of his adult years still being emotionally numb to the world that surrounded him. Many times waking up from this haze wondering why he felt so bad for acting in a way that he was taught to be acceptable behavior. As an adult confused as to why he should feel guilty for acting in such a way that he had seen many adults act as he was growing up. As he was not a stupid man and started venturing out into a world that wasn’t so consumed with drugs and alcohol, Johnny watched and observed how people of the real world acted and reacted to everyday situations. He began to think and realize that maybe his way of thinking was not the right way. People can live happy and productive lives without being drug or alcohol induced.
As time went on and Johnny had sobered up and witnessed how many people had went about their days as happy and productive people of today’s world, his thinking had began to change. Knowing there was a whole other way of living, he became more confused about how people would accept him. Trying to fit in with people with a different upbringing can be a lot more difficult than one might think. People who were raised with more blessings than they can count have a complete different way of thinking than those who were less fortunate. Johnny tried to fit in with these people, but as it became more and more difficult he began to withdraw from everyday life. Finally he had become totally isolated from the world in which he lived and created his own reality. Life had passed him by while he was emotionally numb to his surroundings and confused about what was right and wrong. Eventually as he woke up one day and realized his age, and the difference between functional and dysfunctional, and where his life was heading, he began to question the true meaning of life.
As Johnny sits in front of his computer and thinking about his life as a whole, he still could not find the words to write. He thinks about everything and wonders if this was all real, or just a figment of his imagination. The world that surrounds him, seeming so cold and isolated, he wonders…. is this of his own doing?
